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[17 Jan 2009|09:37pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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so i know i am closing this thing but i would like it to be known that i am completely done with this city.i need to get the hell out of here and experience some new things.baltimore does not have anything left for me.i know some great people but the ones who really care about me would tell me to go.as for the others...well...i need to leave them behind.i feel aimless and it's been going on for too long.i have been stringing from person to person but i realize that only a few honestly care about me.add that plus the fact that baltimore utterly sucks and it all means i need to go.
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[26 Dec 2008|08:13pm] |
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so i am closing my livejournal.the year is ending and i have had some radical changes happen in my life this year.i decided that i don't want my life being broadcasted to everyone anymore.some people do not deserve to know what is going on with me and others i just don't want contact with.so basically those of you who want to talk to me know how to get in contact with me.if not ask for my e-mail.
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[09 Dec 2008|05:41am] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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music |
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chairlift::bruises |
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isn't it weird how the big cosmic universe connects things?how energy from different people although they are not around you can still be a part of your life?how you can feel their energy still and have it effect you so heavily?i totally believe it in,kids.it happened to me this weekend.and OUCH.
to work.with a MASSIVE sinus problem so i found out yesterday,yikes.
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[05 Dec 2008|05:04pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
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music |
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tilly and the wall::dust me off |
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okay SO.
well first and foremost i am having MORE car trouble.see okay my last car i had for about four months and then it was totaled in a hit and run accident by some asshole who did not have insurance.so anyhow there is something called GAP INSURANCE(the insurance that says if your car is totaled you are not responsible for paying it off,but you can only get this insurance if your car is like five or something years old anything older is not eligible) that i did not have because i have never heard of it and well...we got stuck paying off the car that i NO LONGER OWN.okay that was the beginning of the year...january actually.so i had to go out and buy a used car with basically no money and ended up with this piece of junk that i have now BUT i cannot complain about because at least i have a car.sooooo it has been not even a YEAR and my new car just got hit.and is possibly getting totaled.sigh.
here is what happened....so i was driving down this road that is a really big hill.some guy in a ford explorer lost control of his car because his brakes went out and straddled the curb all the way down and did not hit anything until he hit me.the only reason that happened was because i was sitting beside a pole and the was hit the pole or veer into the road.anyway the body damage is so much itself without even actually taking it apart they are probably going to total it.and this is ALL AFTER october first...which is HOW LONG AGO...when maryland lawmakers passed a law that if the damage exceeds 75% of the cars worth they total it.WHAT!!!why not one hundred i mean SERIOUSLY!what!that makes NOOO sense.okay so that is what i was up against...again.my car being totaled and having NO GAP INSURANCE again since my car is too old.and having to pay for THIS CAR ALSO as well as buy a new car in this crappy ass economy with NO money down.they wont sell me a car pretty much.they said on the news for a 20,000 dollar car they want 5 of 6 thousand down.psh yeah right.
okay SO SO SOOOO the other day i was driving home from my friends house in dc and it was 9 pm.i had to be at work at 4 am.driving driving and i need to get gas.i got off on exit 13 which SHOULD have been a sign but okay whatever.so i stop to get gas and my gas door is stuck shut from the accident.sigh.i pry and kick and beat and cuss at it until it comes halfway open enough that i can shove the gas nozzle in.so i get my gas and start driving back and on the way i realize my car is driving really weird.it completely does not want to go and i can't figure out why.there is a really strange loud noise coming from the back driver side of my car.drivedrivedrive and BOOM.a fucking awful loud sound and the entire car begins to shake and rumble all around.i pull over and my tire is basically sliced open.HOW!HOW!no could not have been just a nail we can patch up.noooo.it is on the side wall of my tire that it looks like someone slit it open but obviously i ran something over.so now i need a new tire on a car they might total.AWESOME!!YEAAAHH!
sooo what else?well i have been having these headaches that...man.they really last from the moment i wake up..the MOMENT...to when i fall asleep.if i am conscious i have a headache.and these is a spot on my forehead that feels like someone is driving a screwdriver in it.OUCH.this has been going on for almost a month now.a nonstop headache for almost a month.ohhmyyygoood.it sometimes really gets to me and makes me super cranky and not nice to be around.oh!and upon having a few episodes of my heart really actually feeling like it stopped....a pause and complete loss of breath and then feeling like someone slammed their fist into my chest to restart my heart...i went to the cardiologist.they think i have a arrhythmia.which is not bad at all so whew on that one.but these HEADACHES!
also casey gave me his old bike to use for work because it is much more of an equipped road bike for me to be riding back and forth to work.so that is awesome.it is really pretty and this silverish gray and i am putting kelly gear bar tape on it.WOO!still have not named it yet but in time when we hang out i shall reveal its name.
i have been starting to write more lately and it feels so so so good.i have been getting a lot of my feelings about my relationship out of me and i have so much more to write about still.i am still reeling and spinning from it all so the writing helps.also i am practicing my voice because casey wants to play some guitar chords and have me work on melody overtop them.it should be interesting if i can just get over my fear!
what else what elseeeee....work is going well.very very well.i watched the entire fifth season of the l word in one day this week haha.it was time well spent because ohhotDAMN am i in love with tina.okay now i need to get a shower and clean some.i am working on my messyness....very slowly that is.but it starts SOMEWHERE!working on getting over that and my saddepressionstuff but but but the writing helps a lot with that.as well as my amazing friends.
oh and you all should listen to this tilly and wall song.i HEART<3ITSO.
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[04 Dec 2008|12:57pm] |
so i actually have a hell of a lot to write BUUUUT first i need to go to the cardiologist. sigh. NOT PLEASED ABOUT THIS but something is seriously wrong.
ZING god you keep getting me!really!awfully funnyhaha!
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[08 Nov 2008|11:45am] |
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mood |
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grateful |
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music |
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neko case::mood to burn bridges |
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it is my birthday and i am upset because i had a dream about all the mean things you said to me about me physically.what the hell man.some of that stuff was SO mean.
i am not supposed to feel ugly on my birthday.
i am going to go out with all my friends and have a great time tonight because they are all celebrating the fact that they love me.what an awesome thought!
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[03 Nov 2008|04:29pm] |
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mood |
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 rushed |
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music |
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mission of burma::that's when i reach for my revolver |
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yesterday dylan,leslie,ashley and myself went to lunch and spent the evening together.it was pretty much super awesome.i saw elana's family whom i have not seen in a long time.that was nice.i made myself sick eating mary-jane candies though.it was really fun to watch dylan and ashley laughlaughlaugh at each other nonstop.my friends are the greatest.
on the same note molly told me today "i don't know how the hell i went so long without knowing you." AW!
i am actually excited for this election tomorrow.you can only keep your fingers crossed on this one that america wont fuck it up AGAIN.for reals this time america FOR REALS.don't DO IT.make the intelligentonlylogical decision.
one of my friends is in a ramones-esque type band.he said they are looking for a drummer because theirs is moving away SOSOSOSOOO if i work supersuperhard i might be able to make it.that would effin ROCK kids.ROCK!
ok i need to get ready.casey will be here soon and i am still in my work clothing.hence why this was so random and hurried.forgive me!GO LISTEN TO BLOOD RED SHOES they are AWESOME!
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[31 Oct 2008|11:34am] |
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mood |
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music |
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blood red shoes::boring by the sea |
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my birthday is coming and it will be AWE-SOME!
in other news casey and i did something SUPER fallish yesterday and felt like we were in a movie.we rode our bikes all around my neighbourhood through the small streets.the rows of houses all covered in leaves.he was pointing out the way the sunlight was shining on half of the trees.how the colors changed as the branches went closer to the trunk due to the sunlight.anyway we were in winter hats and scarves and bundled up hoodies.it was pretty much awesome.
my friend is opening up a bikeshop soon and i am taking my bike there.i am excited!she is going to look at it and decide if i should just keep the frame and ditch the rest of it or trade it in for a new bike.either way she is going to help me out with it all.she said so far it seems like i should just keep the frame and we can maybe hook it up some but if the speeds are jacked just get rid of it.if i do trade or ditch it they will give me money towards a new frame from them so that is good.so we will see.but FUN!
aaaaaaaaaand MY BIRTHDAY!
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[21 Oct 2008|01:34pm] |
i have decided you are dead to me.
i could say a lot more.
and i will later but yeah.
dead to me.
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[20 Oct 2008|12:04am] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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music |
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holly and the non-italians::something more |
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i just got home from my show tonight.
we had fun!
amanda got to request a song and they actually played it so THIS made her night.
she also had triple margaritas on the rocks.
THAT made it interesting.
in other news i am considering buying a new car.i need it badly.more on this to come but i want a honda fit.
I WANT TO GO DO KARAOKE!THIS SONGS ROCKS!
my room is FREEEEEzing.
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[18 Oct 2008|03:59am] |
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mood |
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music |
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some rilo kiley in my head |
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i just got home from the party.
the zoo was awesome.
the red panda ROCKSALLOVERYOURFACE.
the party was fun!
we danced we drank we ate baked goods
oh and we laughed a lot.
it was a good day.
even though on the ride home i was listening to rilo kiley and something about that driving in the darkness.in the stillness.in the calm surrounding you with only your thoughts reelingrolling around really can make someone emo.i just thought a lot.
anyway.
time from some bedtime cuddles sleeptime!
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[16 Oct 2008|04:12pm] |
oh ALSO i need to figure out something to do with all these letters i never mailed or sent.i feel like they are really interesting and so much more interesting when looked at from a point of anonymity.
creative timmmeeeeeee
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[16 Oct 2008|03:42pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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arrah and the ferns::southern comfort//jenny lewis::see fernando |
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so let's see what else i need to update on.
one of my good friends and i went through a really rough patch in our friendship.it all started with a disagreement over something trivial that got REALLY out of hand.we are talking screaming,crying,name calling through texts,over the phone and in person.it went on and on and the tension got sillycrazy WILD.it was terribly obviously whenever we were around each other.you could sense the thickness in the air and well...she could not really take it.i knew that something more was going on than this trivial thing.all of our mutual friends kept telling me something more was definitely happening.so after a few weeks of this happening it all hit a head.
we yelled at each other.well mostly she YELLED and i smirked in this ohemgeeseriously way.i probably seemed a little bit bitchy and she sure told me so but really if you had seen this display.she was in this pit of furious deeply resonating anger mixed with emotionemotionemotion like a fireball hurdled against a wall.everything in her path was catching her energy.except me.i let it go and what happened in the end was...well...she told me she is in love with me.she has been for a while.WHOA.and like in love with me in the i want to be with you.i want you to be my girlfriend way.DOUBLEWHOA.
i am glad we are talking.i am glad that ongoing tension she has been feeling has been relieved.she seems happier now.we will see what happens but at least when we are near each other i know what she is feeling.it helps a lot of things make sense.but in love with me?seriously?!shocking.
also a few other friends have made it known that they have feelings for me too.i want to make sure i don't hurt anyone or myself in the process.it is just day by day my friends.dayyyy by daaaay.right now i am having fun!
i am considering taking a promotion at work.it is not to be a full-timer but it is the in-between position.basically i do everything i am already doing but open my availability up to do some nights and learn the office stuff.i will be eligible for up to two dollars more each raise and my cap out amount is different as well as my title.i don't know!i am not doing anything in a directional sense with my life right now.so why not?i won't have to leave my store but it will be more responsibility.my captain is pushing me to do it.i don't knooowww.i do not have much faith in myself to take a quasi-management responsibility for some reason.but i know i am awesome!i don't understand!
i also have lately had this crazy thought about MOVING.CRAZY!oh god ME?moving?!stephanie you are something else.something else crazygonuts!and i am planning on a trip soon.mustmustmustmust go on a trip!snelson wants me to go to scotland,holly wants me to go to green bay,gwen wants me to come to michigan,carolyn says come to portland and i miss boston.
oh!oh!oh!tomorrow plumbsy and i are going to the dc zoo in the morning.we are SO uberexcited.it will be awesome.we have been planning this for a while.so we are getting breakfast in the morning,some zoo time and then going to dylan's birthday celebration.it will be an all around fun day.although cracker will be sad to have no mommy all day.i am warning and prepping her now.
ok!this is the outline for things that i can think of right now!i need FOOD.
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[14 Oct 2008|04:39pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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the long blondes::long blonde |
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allllright!
so i got a tarot reading yesterday and decided it was time to start actually writing about and remembering some of this stuff in my life.i try to sit and write stuff down all the time but cannot seem to do it.be warned-lots of run on sentences are about to happen.
the tarot reading.two cards represented the past,two the present and two the future.they influenced each other and created the basic description of said time.
the past:two of cups right side up which means basically a relationship.there was a strong bonding happening.i was with a person who knows me and whom i knew also.it is the card of lovers.this is the relationship card everyone wants.pretty self explanatory that i found real deal true love.AND!it was influenced by the hierophant card reversed which means i was in a position to learn some negative lessons.there was a teacher involved who helped me learn some lessons.this teacher was stubborn and rigid.they did things for only their own means.they were a liar and gave bad advice.
the present:the justice card right side up which means adjustment.i am at a point of maintaining an equilibrium again.a fair outcome will be the result.some wrongs will be righted and i must admit the wrongs i committed.karma is coming into play here.AND!it was influenced by the queen of cups reversed which means someone who knows me well and knows how to fix all my problems.they can be very shy or very mysterious.they have all the answers but also have a temper of all tempers.they also are emotionally high and low and can suffer from psychological problems,moodiness,depression and alcoholism.the reversal means it is a pivotal energy that cannot be ignored currently in my life.it must be addressed.there is a person who betrayed me and took much more than they gave.they are known as a deceiver.
the future:the eight of cups right side up which means the shedding of old loves,relationships and familiar things.either i am unhappy with these familiar things or i have a crazy dream rolling around in my head.i should follow that dream.this card also could infer an actual literal move to a new place.all that is lacking is my courage to let go of everything i have ever known.there are a lot of choices in front of me and one of them is very good for me.my emotions are strong though.AND!it was influenced by the star card reversed which means some change will happen but slowly.i need to find and push myself towards whatever this future is but it is awaiting me.the reversal means that although the future is not written in stone the star card influence is more difficult for me to achieve.i am feeling hopeless about things before me.a clarity will be coming for me and help to reach it but i need to move away from my rigid current ideas to find and accept all these things.also some sort of trust issue is in play here.i cannot let my daydreaming and disappointment of the world get in the way.
whoa.seriously this blew my mind.it made a lot of sense and well the future sounds pretty positive.i am feeling good about this.god it seriously blew my mind.
more later but i had to remember all this.HAD TO.
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[04 Aug 2008|02:29pm] |
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music |
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t rex::monolith |
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all in all things have been swell lately.
i think i am going to take a trip perhaps so that will be fun!i have not traveled to see a band in a long time!that will be good if it all works out.
my car stalled out at a red light on my way home today and that is very not cool.i am not pleased about this car stuff!butttt i suppose it has to be dealt with.BRAGH!
i have this creepy obsessive friend that is really weirding me out.friendships should not be scary or obsessive!and you so are NOT in love with me,girl.more about that later when i have more time.i just wanted to sort some of my thoughts out right now.
i feel like a really different person lately.it is weird!but it is good.
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[02 Aug 2008|08:10pm] |
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music |
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saturday looks good to me::dialtone |
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i have typed and deleted this post seven times already.
seriously.
so much to say but i just can't.i just can't.because it doesn't matter.
at least i have awesome people keeping me happy.
but i still miss laughing that way.among other things my head still thinks about.
but it is all about time,right?
i am sorry for the things i did wrong but i just didn't think it was worth giving up over.
i was just reading my journal from when i was nineteen and reliving some of the memories from that time.it is a weird feeling.but seriously!just end it like that!all of that gone so quickly?one quick swoop and BAMGOODBYE!no way.
in other news i have a hella expensive phone bill and need to put my car in the shop.SUCKS.SUCCKKKSSS.whatever though.i have been having fun.lots of keeping busy and doing things.this is good.the other night me and six people went out to the bar and one of us,NOT ME,wet themself.that was AWESOME!so five of us went home nice and dry.and that is a pretty good ratio of wet to dry people.AND im getting my hair cut!WOO!buuuuut that still makes me nervous.you neverrrr know if it will look good.but i sent molly to my hairdresser and she looked dashing.so now it is MY turn to get sexy!maybe i should let it get a litttttle bit longer.
NO MORE OF THE BORING GIRLYNESShairtalk.THE END!
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[29 Jul 2008|11:22pm] |
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mood |
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nostalgic |
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music |
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trembling blue stars::nobody but you |
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i know we had problems.i know things were wrong.but really i did NOT think we were going to break up over it.i had no idea.NONE.if i had even an inkling of that i would of handled things differently.i wish i had know it was so make or break.there was SO much good in my opinion.so so so much.i wanted this to last and stay and work and i wanted to work for it.you were my girl.i just had no idea you might go for good.you would say goodbye.i never saw this coming.
fuck.
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[28 Jul 2008|11:58pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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the white stripes::forever for her(is over for me) |
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today i danced my ASS off to "dancing with myself" at work and then followed it up with beginning a dance party with five other people which was AWESOME.that is the way to do it folks.it was a total workout.but work was good for me.i am lucky to be able to say that.
also in other news i still am at that angry/hurt/love stage.i am still working on the name of this feeling.EMO.and dude WHY!WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYTHIS!WHYWHY.all i can do is shake my head about this all.still in disbelief.seriously.i won't ever laugh the same again.how can you be a mix of so angry and hurt and yet so sad and missing so much?i have so many more questions.i need them answered.i need to know so many things and need closure on so many things.it just can't be the end like that.one quick swift goodbye.i don't think so.we were so much more than a one and a half hour conversation.at least to me.all i wanted was to just give it a try.oh how badly!i just can't give up like that.but i guess i can't make anyone stay so thus i must find a way to give up.justwantedtotry.lovemuchtoomuch.
anyyyyyyyyyyyyway,back to work at six so i am off to relax now.
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[28 Jul 2008|02:50am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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bright eyes:you will. you? will. you? will, you? will. you? will. |
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i totally fucking wish i did not work at 2pm tomorrow.why tomorrow of ALL days.fuck.
sleepsleepsleepsleepsleep.
lots of songs in my head.
lots of song lyrics because i can't think outside of that.
my nose is too stuffy and my eyes burn too much and i need to calm down.stoptheshake.
sleepsleepsleepsleep.
can't sleep.
i am going to return to my song lyrics.
i just can't stand my own thoughts right now.
i want it to go down on record that i still love you.
even though this hurtshurtshurtshurtsacheshurtsstings
i still love you so fucking much.
there is such a mix of anger and love and pain.
i don't even know what the name of this emotion is.
from one to the next is very tiring.
if you were trying to hurt me you did
and that is only because i truly and honestly love you.
i let you in deep enough and far enough to have that power.
but i wouldn't have it any other way.
i can't just smackslam face into the wall out of love.
i will always wonder.
ouch.
now back to trying to sleep.
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[03 Jul 2008|04:43pm] |
aaand actually i want a NEW journal.i want to start all over again because my life is new and so so different from who i was when i left this journal.i don't know.we shall see.
decisions deeeecisions.
now!off to play DRUMS and then go shopping with my love.we are going to have a bitchin fourth of july my friends.INYOFACESOBITCHINBITCH kinda time.ya know what i mean?
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ohmygodbecky's journal